Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
