her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
