I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
