just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
