Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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