words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
