Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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