people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
