The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
