You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
