That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
