you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
