So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
