On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
