I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
