I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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