Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
