I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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