I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
