why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
someone get that fucking seahorse.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
