1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
