Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
