She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
