I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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