Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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