Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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