giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
