I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
