needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
