So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
