the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
We need a shit load of segways right now
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
