I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
