Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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