Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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