his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
