I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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