No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
