I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
