I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
