Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
