It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
