And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
