I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
