A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
