god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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