Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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