you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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