I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
