Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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