it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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