It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
