and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
