I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
